Made for the week you're having

Math for the part of the week your soul leaves your body

Eight calculators for the meetings, the deadlines, and the slow corporate drain. Cost out your meetings, price the procrastination tax, count your sleep debt, and audit the streaming services you have been quietly funding from your work card.

Translate ambiguous texting into pattern-matched honesty

Five calculators for the chat thread you keep refreshing. Decode mixed signals, audit your own main-character vibe, calculate rose probabilities, run the call-back math, and figure out whether "we were on a break" was technically defensible.

Real formulas for the math the internet keeps arguing about

Eight calculators that settle the long-running debates: how many licks, the airspeed of an unladen swallow, can you walk to Mordor by Tuesday, what time SpongeBob actually means by "later," whether you are over 9000, and how many guesses a real Wordle takes.

Math for the rewatch — settle the bets the movie keeps starting

Six calcs for the movies and shows that turned into running jokes. How long would it actually take to walk to Mordor. The airspeed of the swallow. Whether you can survive the Fire Swamp. The 88 mph problem. Hodor's hold time. Eleven's waffle requirement.

For the debate currently consuming your group chat

Six calcs designed to end arguments. African or European swallow. How many licks. Does Mario have enough lives. Were they actually on a break. Are you reading these texts wrong. And whether that was an innuendo or just a sentence.

When nothing's wrong but everything feels heavy

Six calcs for the kind of Tuesday that asks bigger questions than it should. Price the procrastination, count the sleep debt, prescribe yourself outdoor minutes, audit the social battery, get told the answer is 42 anyway, and run the main-character index just in case you're the protagonist.

The spreadsheet your therapist would build for you

Five calcs for when you're trying to actually fix your life this time. Total your meeting cost, your zombie subscriptions, your sleep debt, your procrastination penalty, and the minutes left on your social battery before you can't do anything else.

Before, during, and the post-mortem

Five calcs for date night and the spiral after. Read the mixed signals, score the main-character vibe you're bringing, calculate your social battery for the night, run the rose probability, and (later) decide if hitting send is in your interest.

From your couch, in pajamas, with the door locked

Six calcs for the remote-work crowd. Cost out the Zoom calls, ghost the dead subscriptions, audit your social battery for the one in-person event this month, prescribe the daylight your apartment isn't giving you, count your sleep debt, and price the procrastination tax.

What the week is actually going to cost you

Five calcs for Monday before the standups start. Pre-cost your meetings, your sleep debt, the procrastination tax on whatever you're avoiding, the social battery you'll need on Tuesday, and the daylight minutes you owe your brain by Wednesday.

Memory lane, with formulas

Six calcs anchored in 70s, 80s, and 90s pop culture. Time-travel at 88 mph, count Eleven's Eggos, find the center of a Tootsie Pop, decode the late-night call, convert SpongeBob time, and confirm that you are over 9000.

When the vibes are off and you need numbers to confirm it

Five calcs for the suspicious among us. Score how sus your group really is, decode the mixed signals you've been getting, run the rose probability, audit whether they were actually on a break, and check if that late-night call meant anything at all.